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Monday, December 24th, 2007
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Its been over a year since i last looked at this thing. I read it and was so increadbly angry at myself. There was shitty excuses for problems and a whole lot of shit that no one cares about.
THE END
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I still feel like shit, some one make me better already!
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I feel like shit, if im not at school tomorrow, don't fret!
Hope im not in hospital!
I am such a drama queen, but I am sick!
Good night! x x x I love you guys!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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I can't do anything. I feel hopless, I can't believe it!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, April 29th, 2006
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Well it is my birthday, so I have the right to do what ever I want!! He He not really, but I am going to tell you ever thing that happened on my 15th birthday!
THE DAY BEFORE:
In the morning Rochelle left for Sydney, so I worked with Adam and left at 1 to meet Lauren and Alana at Paradise and went back into town. Bought 2 cd’s for myself and then caught the train back to Laurens, there we made my birthday cake then watched In America. Later that day, we watch all the BB’s and the sisterhood of the travelling pants. Which by the way is a very good movie, and Lauren can you burn it for me? We had pizza and the cake and then I got my present! It was cute I got, a pink box and ribbon, a dummy, 3 v’s, a pink bracelet, a ‘it’s my birthday badge’ and lip gloss. The card was pink and my favourite flower!! =)
THE COUNT DOWN:
15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 15 mins 14 mins 14 mins, and so on until it was twelve! I drove Alana insane as she was trying to sleep *giggles* Lauren helped me and also put chocolate cake on her face =)
12 O’CLOCK:
I got a msg from Ali saying all this sweet stuff and it was heaps nice and then every one on msn was happy birthdaying me. I got a msg from Greg and then he just called me and we spoke for ages, about nothing really. When I got off the phone Lauren Alana and me were playing hand puppets on the roof witch was fun fun fun.
IN THE MORING:
I had two msg’s one from Tom and one from Shaun. We packed up and got ready to face the day. I got another msg form Rochelle and one from Jess shortly after then my phone died =( We went to primo’s in town for lunch and then walked up rundle street. I used laurens old phone and I got another msg this time from my sister Jen and from Sarah. We went to boost and I got a free one!! =) I got a msg from my Aunty and that made me happy!
AT HOME:
Got home to recharge my phone and then my grandma rang me from WA and spoke to her for ages and then to my grandpa. Grandma gave me my present well mum did but it was ment to be from her, I got $50. Daddy gave me my presents and I opened them =D I got a I’m 15 badge, a pink mock, pink ipod case, a jacket, pink skipping rope, pink tonal balls, pink dumbbells, pink lamp, a top, a bag and a scalf. Then I got a msg from Adam!
AT WORK:
Phil was there and she gave me a present, it was in a sparkly silvery bag and pink paper. It was this really cute monkey! And she also gave me a balloon, the ones that come from like florests. We had lollies and we went completely hypa. I was bouncing about everywhere. I had my birthday badges on and a pink puffy thing in my hair. I received another msg from my friend Megs and then one from my cousin!
TEA AT THE TAVENER:
There was this lady playing live and she was highly annoying. We ate like you do when you go out!
UP AT SKYE:
Dad and I walked up to the top and took a couple of photos but it was way to cold. And Michael was playing in the foam that was up there, on the way home we stoped at the gelato Bello for gelati.
BACK HOME AGAIN:
I got presents from my auntie a top scalf and bracelets and my brother and I got a necklace and some other stuff. All night I was talking to Rochelle who is in Sydney. It was the Nickleback concert she was drunk and fell down some stairs in town! Now my lounge room looks very pink!
That’s my birthday!!
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | *Thinks* |
| Time: | 2:35 am. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. | | Music: | Babyface- Noone knows it but me!. |
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I can't feel anything; all the rain, water and darkness doesn’t make any thing better. I am no long in control. I am walking around in circles in the back garden, listening to the rain, making me feel great pain! I did this to my self, and bought you down with me, I am sorry. I am not sorry, I was but I am no long sorry, you couldn't except my apologise and now they have run out. You will no longer talk to me, none of you will. I will become lonely and not be able to play with the other kids. I have nothing. Nothing I say, what is there left? I can not breathe I need to calm down, I know what I have to do but I can not do them. I don't know what I want, is there anything to want? What I want is already taken, and pretends it's not.
Every thing I ever did, I tried to do it for you. I tried every thing I could but it was never enough! No matter how much I tried to get you to see things from my way, you never understood. You never will, just give up trying. Different backgrounds, different upbringings, completely different people. How I ever thought we were to get along is out of mines thinking’s. I put up with things for this long; I took things I didn't like, things I didn't think were right. I held on to them for you. When I get blown off I cry, you hurt me 1 to many times. I thought I wouldn't be able to deal with not being with you, but the more I am, the more it seems to be hurting! I don't want to say good-bye, I just can't do it. I need to do it, but it will tear everything apart. Can I keep it together for them? I don't know, we will have to wait and see. You'll come up with something like, you've had a hard life, the things people have put u through, and shit like that. That is when you are ment to talk to me! Not fucking some one else who you swore to me that wouldn't tear us apart. It's fucking done that now!
I cannot stop shaking; I am not going to sleep. When I close my eyes I think of you, so I’ll be here all night if I have to but I am not closing my eyes! He was my friend to! He was never mine, he was ALWAYS your's fucking always! Nothing will change that, but that's not what hurts now. You hurt. The part of you in me is hurting. There is pain, unimaginable pain I am not feeling it, it is just slowly eating me. Just like you did.
Average just isn’t good enough. I have to be one step better then that, and I am never going to get there. No matter how much effort and energy I put into some thing it is never going to be good enough because there is always going to be one step better and I will not be able to do it, ever! Not good enough to my standards anyway. I wish I had lower expectations and then I wouldn’t be shooting so high, but I do. I am going to put what ever I have to put in so I can at least say I tried. Nothing is better then at least knowing you tried.
I think I have calmed down a bit now. I completely horrified myself, no self-control. I never want it to happen again. Although I know it will. I do it’s true. I am not going to deny it; at least I think it is true. It’s what I am trying to make my self believe anyway. Do I want to make it real? That I am not sure of either, it’s like saying do you want to live tomorrow, when you never know what tomorrow is going to be so how would you know if you want to live it or not! I want to live, I don’t want to die, I need someone. I lost someone that noone knows, that pain in itself is hard enough, mixed with everything else. I don’t know what to do, how to do it. Or what the point is!
It’s been about 3 hrs since I went crazy, it is amazing what the things that make you happy can do, and really I don’t think I have a problem at all, I am so fine it’s great. It is 5 o’clock in the morning and I don’t think I would be less tired and happier then ever, it is my birthday tomorrow. I’ve come to some understanding with myself. Sometimes everything is all happening all at once, and we don’t mean to say the things we do, although we do think them, sometimes its not the best thing to say them. =)
I apologise for any thing I may have said in the past 12 hrs, except it, don’t, your choice. I felt like it was the end. It’s the 3rd time and every time it seems to be coming more close to the end. This may be it, I hope not thou. I love this I love life I love you’s!!
Peace out. X x x
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Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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The tears roll down my face!
As I say I hate you.
YES FUCKING YOU!!!
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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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I give up talking to you.
I hate you so much.
But still I love you.
I can't I let you go.
I want you to be mine.
You anoy me so much.
Everything you say.
Why do I come back.
I need to hold my self back.
I'm sorry I feel this way.
I wish I didn't.
But I do so forgive me.
When I say I don't care.
But all I am really feeling.
I am in despair!
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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
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Half of my is very happy =)
Half of me is crying...
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Wishing you well.
Keeping in faith.
Hoping it's good.
Jumping on earth.
Lieing your true.
Trying, stay calm.
Breathing the air.
Looking for help.
Singing all songs.
Playing the game.
~~OF LIFE!!~~
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| Subject: | *lies* |
| Time: | 11:57 pm. |
| Mood: |  disappointed. | | Music: | Mary J Blige- One. |
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Tonight I get over you! (It will never happen.)
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And today Amanda opens her eyes to the world!
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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
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I feel evil...
I feel anoyed..
I feel like grr..
there are so many things i am mad at
i am mad at my self for not being mad at rochelle
i am mad at every one for saying then fine
and then not being fine and know it
and still saying they are as if they want me to know there not
when i alread kno there not im not going to help them
un till they admit it and not only admit it but
stay around to talk and then not say there fine when i try to talk
grr i am sooo mad but i feel evil lol
i broke greg and samanthas friendship up
just cos i dont like her
and i am in the biggest muddle and i dont know where to go
and tis really weird beucase i go to talk about it and
no words comeout of my mouth lol...
so i just go on about argentina...
woot woot woot woot woot woot woot ..
tis better to concentrate on something positive i say :D
love ya x x x
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
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| Subject: | O.o so tired |
| Time: | 8:23 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | Something Coporate/ Taking Back Sunday- Falling For You. |
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Im really tried like really really tried and i have been having more sleep then like ever for amanda like more then 5/6 hrs a night... and still like really really tired.. i think i am doing way to much shit... i have to slow down and just concetrate on the important things this year like school and argentina..:D
i am sooo excited about going like woe you's will want to slap me when i go away cos u will never hear me stop going on about it.. not beaucse i want to anoy u but because its really a massive dal to me!! we have rasied like $1500 in chocolate money and we just got 12 more boxes yesterday which is another 288 and we are getting another 24 tomorrow thats like 576 which is another 900 or so... sooo excited.. like omg its just really hit me whats happening..
Im sorry about today i just lost it and i could do aything about it... yes very very sorry :( but u'll get over it!!
well im going to be now since its like 8 30 and im and soooooooo tired lol well laterz x x x
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Im going to argentina....!!!! Im so excited.. YAY Is every one going to miss me...?? woot woot happy manda....!!! Xx
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Saturday, April 1st, 2006
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
rand0mshit's journal
sick.
bouncy.
bitchy.
Confused!.
calm.
shocked.
mawhaha.
excited.
guilty.